Not for the Squeamish KLM wins it!

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by ratpak on July 7, 2008 at 11:52am

this is easy...when I was a senior in high school me and a couple friends were in my buddies pick-up. I let one rip and the smell was so bad that the driver spit his big ol skoal dip all over the windshield (little bits of skoal all over dash, windshield etc.) he pulled off the side of the road and we all jumped out .

Permalink Reply by TokyoKris on July 7, 2008 at 12:04pm

Handful of what...."shiver".....

Permalink Reply by Eric on July 8, 2008 at 1:31am

Well you're certainly winning so far. I personally have cleared a classroom, and made a grown man scream like a girl and run from the fart as if I'd lit the building on fire.

Seriously, I was on my way out to go to the library in high school to do some research for a project for the remainder of the class period. I've been holding in this massive fart all day and I figure since I'm leaving, I might as well fire it off, I just needed to find a target. I see this guy sitting on the front row with his back turned, he was perfect for it. I stop right in front of him, rear my leg up and fire off a fart that lasted literally about seven seconds, I seriously had time to look down at my ass and think holy shit it's still going. I walk out grinning ear to ear, and I get to the library, only to find out there's a class in there and I have to go back. So I get back to the classroom and I see the entire class spread out to the four corners of the room with their mouths covered by their shirts and the first thing I hear is some girl shriek "GOD BOW GO TO THE BATHROOM!" the teach proceeds to send my back outside and spray my ass with Lysol before he lets me back in.

The story about the grown man screaming like a girl comes from a night I worked at Blockbuster and the store manager was at the safe, now the only exit from the safe is only as wide as one average-sized man, so I stand in it and turn my back to the store manager and rip this massive fart so bad he lets out this really girly OH NO!, jumps over the counter and runs to the front of the store while me and my friend are nearly on the floor laughing to death over this.

As far as shit stories go, I dropped one so bad the same store manager threatened to take away my eating privileges if I didn't start leaving the fan on in the bathroom. It was right after a New Year's Eve party, so the shit itself was a combination of beer, rum, champagne, and BBQ plus it had a really burnt smoky smell to it from the fireworks.

Permalink Reply by Brian D. on July 8, 2008 at 11:54am

mmk = grossed out.

Permalink Reply by Eric on July 9, 2008 at 10:14pm

Dude that's nothing. I filled a previously empty Portolet during Mardi Gras. I had been eating and drinking nothing but beer and Mexican food and I hadn't shit for 3 DAYS. I honestly wish I could've taken a picture of it.

Permalink Reply by Bildo792 on July 8, 2008 at 12:18pm

It's not a winning story but it might get some laughs...

After a night of birthday boozing I had farts that were a combination of beer, liqour, and of course late night drunken eating (deep fried pizza sticks). 4 of us were laying on the couch recovering and watching football and I was letting out farts that made me cry, and everyone else bitch and moan for me to go drop a deuce. Finally I obliged them and hit the head, but when I sat down and let it ride I quickly found that there was no shit but just one massive beer fart. It was a small bathroom in a crappy house with no ventilation and while I was wiping it started to overtake me... the smell was so powerful it burned slightly coming in my nostrils and that is when I started violently puking all over the floor and eventually into the shower. That didn't help the smell and the other guys all sat outside of the bathroom and laughed till they cried while I explained what happened and cleaned up the mess.

Permalink Reply by Torpedo2 on July 9, 2008 at 10:36pm

I remember back to my nightclubbing days when me and the boyz were trying to act cool and pick up the chicks. Somehow we always failed. anywhooo If I eat at Frisches theres something in there food which gives me the most vile and nasty farts!

So after doing Frisches for dinner and drinking draft beer at the club, a few hours later It was building up inside me. So I'm right down by the packed out dance floor loaded with tons of hot woman. The music was loud as hell so there's no way anyone could here who it came from. So in my my best manly way I let er rip, a good strong 5 second fart. It was about 5-10 seconds later that everyones face on the dancefloor broke out with with this vile look and wondering who the hell let that one loose! In about 20-30 seconds eveyone was doing a mass exodus from the dancefloor including us. When we got away I started cracking up like Tommy Boy did after spooning Ryan at Cigarfest. That indeed was the shit that killed Burgandys night Club!

Permalink Reply by Eric on July 10, 2008 at 11:43am

I still gotta go with Lumbo on this one, because as you've both cleared rooms, his fart caused someone to shart themselves in laughter, and that gives him the win over yours. So far he's still winning but we'll give it a little more.

Permalink Reply by JIM SCHOELEN on July 11, 2008 at 11:53am

Many years ago, on a little coral atol in the middle of the Indian Ocean, I was sitting in the back of a 2.5 ton military transport truck with the rest of my construction crew. Even though we were about 200 miles from the equator in a very tropical local, we had the full canvas cover over the bed of the transport. I was sitting at the very front of the bed on a canvas strecher that had been added to accomodate more passengers. The truck was packed and ready to go but we were waiting on a driver. The air under the canvas cover was still and very warm even at 0700. As soon as I let the SBD squeeze past my cheeks I knew there would be trouble! White Russians tend to create particularly odiferous gas and when you have consumed a cow's worth of milk in them it can be very rank. Boy did people move really quick towards the back of the truck! They did not waste time crawling down the tailgate... they were literally diving head first through the opening between the gate and the canvas cover landing in a big coughing, gasping pile in the sand!

Permalink Reply by Geoff Mcfarlane on July 11, 2008 at 12:01pm

Okay then... This one brought back happy memories... I had been out with a very good friend off mine (Tony) ha ha!!..thinking about him makes me giggle.. Anyway.. We had a standard sat night out on the town.. Drinking lots of brown ale . eating anything we saw and drooling over anything that smelt of perfume.. Early hours of the morning we said our fairwells and set off home.. 3 hours later a taxi pulled up outside my house.. Tony fell out covered in blood wearing only a bathroom towel... i was almost dying laughing when he knocked on the door.. I let him in and he ran straight upstairs to the shower (the stench was overpowering as he ran past me)... God what a mad night.. He got sorted and came out the shower.. Huge open wound on his face (Looked like teeth marks)... Was teeth marks.. He had got home after our mad night out, went to bed and his wife had cuddled into his back (spooning).. Tony had decided to let rip this almighty fart as she cuddled up to him but he had followed through and shit all over her... Dear me.. What a mess!!! His wife( Lovely girl).. Fought like a lioness had bit his face and threw him out the house....

Permalink Reply by Chris on July 11, 2008 at 12:22pm

Well, only my wife and I know about this, (I'm not sure if any nurses know or not, but they may and just not have confronted me). Sorry if the story is a little too long.

A little over four years ago, my wife and I were getting ready one morning to head out to the doctor to have an ultrasound done. (she was 4 or 5 months along with our second child). While getting ready, my stomach starting cramping really, really bad to the point to where I was having a hard time walking. She thought I was faking in order to get out of going to the doc with her so I sucked it up and went anyway. When we pulled in to the doctors office I just could not stand this pain any longer, and lucky for me the doctors office was next to the hospital. I shuffled over to the emergency room while she and our first son went to the appointment. Once I got in to see the doctor it was determined that my appendix was on the verge of rupturing. In less than two hours I was in the operating room having it removed, after some very humiliating test where they pumped a bunch of liquid up my arse to verify the situation in a scan. The noises that came after, when I was "releasing" the pressure were pretty funny themselves, but that is not what this story is about. A few hours after the surgery I was told that the "pressure", read PAIN, I was now feeling was gas, and that as soon as I could, I needed to start getting out of bed and trying to walk around and I would start passing gas as things worked through my system. At first I was a little hesitant, given my recent memory of the fluid release from the scan, but after a small pass or two that was "dry" I was ready to release pressure as needed. During the second or third pass around the nurses station I felt the need to relieve some pressure, that remember, the nurses specifically told me to let out. Well, this particular fart was maybe 3.5 seconds long, only thing is that it had a small pause in the middle of it when a golf ball size turd "flew", and I repeat "flew" from my buttocks and onto the floor. I believe it slightly "grazed" the bottom portion of the gown but this thing actually landed about 2.5 feet behind me! I stopped and looked at my wife to see if she had noticed and of course she had, but it appeared as if no one else in the nurses station was aware. My comment to my wife was. "well, they told me to fart...and I farted"...to which she replied in a whispering voice, "yeah, they said fart not sh*t!". Anyway, on my next trip around the nurses station, (an hour or so later), the evidence had already been removed and no one ever brought it up.

Anyway, now you all have to swear to take the story to the grave!

Permalink Reply by Drumby on July 11, 2008 at 12:50pm

When I was in the sixth grade, Wednesdays were "Reading Day" in english class. We would each bring a book to read and the classroom was about as close to dead silent as a sixth grade class could get. Well one particular Wednesday, after a lovely lunch and a sweaty session of recess we came into reading class. I had earlier felt a twinge in the lower regions but was too busy to be interrupted for a bodily inconvenience. As I sit in this silent classroom, head down and pretending to read, the pressure continues to build to the point I'm afraid to even move. What to do? If I ask for permission to go to the restroom it's going to cause a major interruption of the audible sort. So, I decide to lay my head down and pucker up and slowly let off some pressure. As I began to release the pressure through a pucker you couldn't put a hair in, it made the most God-awful squeal you could imagine. I couldn't loosen up any to stop the squeal because that would create an incredible flapping of the cheeks. After what seemed to be an eternity (or at least 2-3 seconds)the squeal subsided and this green cloud settled over the class. I look up and the teacher is staring square at me. Having no sympathy she asks if I need to check anything. I think I really impressed the girl behind me that day.
Oddly enough, no one laughed at me. I guess they were afraid to breathe.

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