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Comment by Clay, lost in time & space on October 7, 2009 at 6:34am

The most functional word in the English Language! Yup you guessed it...............

Well, it's shit . that's right, shit! 
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language. 

 
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit. 

 
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. 

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit. 

 You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. 
 
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. 

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. 
 
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. 

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. 

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. 

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. 

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose. 
 
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language. 

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!! 

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head........... Well, Shit Happens!!!

Comment by Koapoorpeople on October 4, 2009 at 3:51pm

How could of I missed this group for so long, funny shit!

Comment by Craig Schmidt on September 24, 2009 at 11:17pm

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Comment by Craig Schmidt on September 24, 2009 at 6:15pm

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

Comment by Craig Schmidt on September 24, 2009 at 6:14pm

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Comment by Craig Schmidt on September 24, 2009 at 6:07pm

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".

Comment by Craig Schmidt on September 24, 2009 at 6:05pm

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

Comment by Craig Schmidt on September 24, 2009 at 6:04pm

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

Comment by Clay, lost in time & space on September 24, 2009 at 4:01pm

addl to WHAT IF CONDOMS HAD CORPORATE SPONSORS?

Timex: Takes a licking and keep on ticking
M.A.B. Got Milk?

Comment by Clay, lost in time & space on September 24, 2009 at 4:00pm

So a guy goes to the doctor, The doctor says' I've got good news and bad news"

The man, after having a really shitty day decides he need the good news first to help him get over the bad.

The doctor says "your penis has grown 4 inches!"

The man can hardly believe his ears exclaiming "That's great news!, what's the bad news?"

"it's malignant"

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