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Permalink Reply by Torpedo2 on July 9, 2008 at 10:36pm

I remember back to my nightclubbing days when me and the boyz were trying to act cool and pick up the chicks. Somehow we always failed. anywhooo If I eat at Frisches theres something in there food which gives me the most vile and nasty farts!

So after doing Frisches for dinner and drinking draft beer at the club, a few hours later It was building up inside me. So I'm right down by the packed out dance floor loaded with tons of hot woman. The music was loud as hell so there's no way anyone could here who it came from. So in my my best manly way I let er rip, a good strong 5 second fart. It was about 5-10 seconds later that everyones face on the dancefloor broke out with with this vile look and wondering who the hell let that one loose! In about 20-30 seconds eveyone was doing a mass exodus from the dancefloor including us. When we got away I started cracking up like Tommy Boy did after spooning Ryan at Cigarfest. That indeed was the shit that killed Burgandys night Club!

Permalink Reply by Eric on July 10, 2008 at 11:43am

I still gotta go with Lumbo on this one, because as you've both cleared rooms, his fart caused someone to shart themselves in laughter, and that gives him the win over yours. So far he's still winning but we'll give it a little more.

Permalink Reply by Ray on July 10, 2008 at 1:18pm

So not as good as lumbo but...

My son had just been born and we had just gotten to the private room at the hospital. I went to the nursery and got Andrew and brought him back to the room. When I got there, several friends and relatives had filled the room. It was a double room, only we were in it. I entered the room and about 10 seconds later with all eyes on us, Andrew had his very first crap. It started with a very loud trumpeting fart sound that lasted for ever. Then everyone was looking at me. I tried to say it was him, then took a verbal pounding from my Mom and Mother in law. Unfortunately my mother in law talked over the rest of the crap and I just went back to the nursery and changed him...

It was 2nd grade. There was this kid in the neighborhood that used to hang with us. One day as kids do, we got upset at each other. Seems like we were sparring all afternoon. Finally I got him and pinned him down. I was going to start whaling on him, but as soon as I pinned him I was sitting on his stomach to keep him down and I let out an enormous fart. It was so bad he screamed and cried, I stayed there and braved my own stench just to get him. He ran home crying and did not come back for about a week.

Last...

One night after very serious boys night out we got back and were telling jokes and drinking more at my buddies apartment. We were talking about something that must have been totally funny, I don't know because I was hammered. I drank so much, I guess before bed I went to the can. When I was in there I must have realized that I took a healthy shart in my briefs. So in my drunkenness I suppose I did not want to put those shart infested drawers back on, I did what every drunk guy would do, took em off and put them in the little garbage can by the toilet. Fast forward to the next morning. I hear a super loud scream coming from the bathroom, my buddy Jesse who is a cop and see's blood and guts all the time comes running out with the undies on the end of a plunger screaming like a little girl. He runs past all of us and hits the door still running down the steps and to the dumpster. He gets back and goes...that smell that smell I thought it was me and then these big ole breifs were just sitting in the garbage can..., wich one of you assholes is not wearing underwear...Then the inspection came and I was busted...10 years later he will still give me a bad time for that one...

Permalink Reply by LUMBO on July 10, 2008 at 5:01pm

Ray, you just reminded me of another. This one did not have any stank, but it is a funny story. Senior year (Damn, senior year was a banner farting year for me). Gym class. We were right before wrestling season, so naturally, we did wrestling in gym class. It was near the end and the teacher decided to mix things up a bit. He decided that we would do challenge matches. My buddy, who was 150lbs. if he was lucky, challenged me. I was weighing in at 225 (damn, where did the years go???). Needless to say, I whipped his ass! During the match, I started suplexing him...WWF style. Holding him vertical then dropping and slamming his back on the mat. The 1st time I tried that, I let out a loud beef! I continued to do so each time I suplexed him. The entire gym was laughing their asses off! Those wrestling mats give good vibration for great sound!

Permalink Reply by JIM SCHOELEN on July 11, 2008 at 11:53am

Many years ago, on a little coral atol in the middle of the Indian Ocean, I was sitting in the back of a 2.5 ton military transport truck with the rest of my construction crew. Even though we were about 200 miles from the equator in a very tropical local, we had the full canvas cover over the bed of the transport. I was sitting at the very front of the bed on a canvas strecher that had been added to accomodate more passengers. The truck was packed and ready to go but we were waiting on a driver. The air under the canvas cover was still and very warm even at 0700. As soon as I let the SBD squeeze past my cheeks I knew there would be trouble! White Russians tend to create particularly odiferous gas and when you have consumed a cow's worth of milk in them it can be very rank. Boy did people move really quick towards the back of the truck! They did not waste time crawling down the tailgate... they were literally diving head first through the opening between the gate and the canvas cover landing in a big coughing, gasping pile in the sand!

Permalink Reply by Geoff Mcfarlane on July 11, 2008 at 12:01pm

Okay then... This one brought back happy memories... I had been out with a very good friend off mine (Tony) ha ha!!..thinking about him makes me giggle.. Anyway.. We had a standard sat night out on the town.. Drinking lots of brown ale . eating anything we saw and drooling over anything that smelt of perfume.. Early hours of the morning we said our fairwells and set off home.. 3 hours later a taxi pulled up outside my house.. Tony fell out covered in blood wearing only a bathroom towel... i was almost dying laughing when he knocked on the door.. I let him in and he ran straight upstairs to the shower (the stench was overpowering as he ran past me)... God what a mad night.. He got sorted and came out the shower.. Huge open wound on his face (Looked like teeth marks)... Was teeth marks.. He had got home after our mad night out, went to bed and his wife had cuddled into his back (spooning).. Tony had decided to let rip this almighty fart as she cuddled up to him but he had followed through and shit all over her... Dear me.. What a mess!!! His wife( Lovely girl).. Fought like a lioness had bit his face and threw him out the house....

Permalink Reply by Chris on July 11, 2008 at 12:22pm

Well, only my wife and I know about this, (I'm not sure if any nurses know or not, but they may and just not have confronted me). Sorry if the story is a little too long.

A little over four years ago, my wife and I were getting ready one morning to head out to the doctor to have an ultrasound done. (she was 4 or 5 months along with our second child). While getting ready, my stomach starting cramping really, really bad to the point to where I was having a hard time walking. She thought I was faking in order to get out of going to the doc with her so I sucked it up and went anyway. When we pulled in to the doctors office I just could not stand this pain any longer, and lucky for me the doctors office was next to the hospital. I shuffled over to the emergency room while she and our first son went to the appointment. Once I got in to see the doctor it was determined that my appendix was on the verge of rupturing. In less than two hours I was in the operating room having it removed, after some very humiliating test where they pumped a bunch of liquid up my arse to verify the situation in a scan. The noises that came after, when I was "releasing" the pressure were pretty funny themselves, but that is not what this story is about. A few hours after the surgery I was told that the "pressure", read PAIN, I was now feeling was gas, and that as soon as I could, I needed to start getting out of bed and trying to walk around and I would start passing gas as things worked through my system. At first I was a little hesitant, given my recent memory of the fluid release from the scan, but after a small pass or two that was "dry" I was ready to release pressure as needed. During the second or third pass around the nurses station I felt the need to relieve some pressure, that remember, the nurses specifically told me to let out. Well, this particular fart was maybe 3.5 seconds long, only thing is that it had a small pause in the middle of it when a golf ball size turd "flew", and I repeat "flew" from my buttocks and onto the floor. I believe it slightly "grazed" the bottom portion of the gown but this thing actually landed about 2.5 feet behind me! I stopped and looked at my wife to see if she had noticed and of course she had, but it appeared as if no one else in the nurses station was aware. My comment to my wife was. "well, they told me to fart...and I farted"...to which she replied in a whispering voice, "yeah, they said fart not sh*t!". Anyway, on my next trip around the nurses station, (an hour or so later), the evidence had already been removed and no one ever brought it up.

Anyway, now you all have to swear to take the story to the grave!

Permalink Reply by Drumby on July 11, 2008 at 12:50pm

When I was in the sixth grade, Wednesdays were "Reading Day" in english class. We would each bring a book to read and the classroom was about as close to dead silent as a sixth grade class could get. Well one particular Wednesday, after a lovely lunch and a sweaty session of recess we came into reading class. I had earlier felt a twinge in the lower regions but was too busy to be interrupted for a bodily inconvenience. As I sit in this silent classroom, head down and pretending to read, the pressure continues to build to the point I'm afraid to even move. What to do? If I ask for permission to go to the restroom it's going to cause a major interruption of the audible sort. So, I decide to lay my head down and pucker up and slowly let off some pressure. As I began to release the pressure through a pucker you couldn't put a hair in, it made the most God-awful squeal you could imagine. I couldn't loosen up any to stop the squeal because that would create an incredible flapping of the cheeks. After what seemed to be an eternity (or at least 2-3 seconds)the squeal subsided and this green cloud settled over the class. I look up and the teacher is staring square at me. Having no sympathy she asks if I need to check anything. I think I really impressed the girl behind me that day.
Oddly enough, no one laughed at me. I guess they were afraid to breathe.

Permalink Reply by klm on July 11, 2008 at 12:58pm

My best fart story happened while I was in the Army and stationed in Wijonbou Korea. After a night of drinking beer and Soju (which is a clear spirit which was originally made from grain especially rice, and is now also made from sweet potatoes. Soju is around 22% ABV and similar to vodka) my buddies and me went to eat in a Korean restaurant were I had my usual meal of Bulgogi (thinly sliced or shredded beef marinated in soy sauce, sesame oil, garlic, sugar, green onions and black pepper, cooked on a grill ), rice, Ramyoen noodles with extra chili powder, three kinds of spicy Kimchi: original Kimchi (cabbage fermented in a brine of ginger, garlic, green onion and chili pepper), Oisobakki (cucumber fermented in a brine of ginger, garlic, green onion and chilli pepper), and Ggakdugi (radish fermented in a brine of ginger, garlic, green onion and chilli pepper). The next morning We had out morning formation at 5 am followed by PT. Well my PT partner was the new battery 1st sergeant who was also leading the battery in pt. So I am at the front of the battery and as soon as I started sweating you could smell stale alcohol and Kimchi. By the time we got around to sit-ups I managed to keep my cheeks squeezed together so I wouldn't fart while holding the 1st sergeant's legs. However when we switched and he was holding my legs I found I could no longer hold it back and I let rip the loudest most fowl smelling fart in my whole life. It was so bad my 1st dismissed our whole battery immediately and said we were done with PT for the day. He quickly ran about 15 feet from me and promptly threw up. The smell was bad enough that several of the Katusa's in my battery were even loudly saying Unga and Dohng (both words mean poop) as they passed me holding their noses and moving quickly. The funny thing was every day for our PT run our first sergeant would run the whole battery along the roads next to the rice patty fields which were fertilized with the waste from the port a potties of our post and the several post around Wijonbou. I was quite proud of that fart to have had the honor of being told it was worst thing anyone had ever smelled!

Permalink Reply by Sean Smyth on July 11, 2008 at 1:45pm

There I was in a class room in the Navy. There were 12 students and two instructors in a small class room learning about electronic satellite Mux systems. Six of us had been out all night drinking Guinness and smoking cigars and as a delicacy one of the guys from Tennessee brought chitlins and we had lot of shrimp and wings. We were primed and we had a long class ahead of us. About an hour in to class we took a break and my and my friend from Tennessee had a farting contest. He started with some good rippers with an aroma that could kill a cat. Then it was my turn I had this one brewing for a while and I wanted it to be a good one. It started with a silent hiss then in to a ferocious babbling roar and then a couple of blips to finish and my lord it was the most wrenched thing ever. My eyes started to water and I had to hold my nose to keep from smelling the thick stench as it filled the class room like a toxic cloud. Shortly after the students started to come back from break. One by one as they entered the class room. As each of them entered you could see that first breath as they took in the toxic stench and they each belted out “What the f@#! is that”. Then one of the girls in our class entered. She took in her first breath of the sweet aroma. You almost could see her turn green as in flash she turned to the garbage can in the room and started to remove the contents of her stomach. This lead to two other people in the class to do the same. The instructors enter after this had all happened and after there first breath they were disgusted and were in tears. The class room not only smelled of the nastiest fart I had ever smelled but now there was puke everywhere too. The instructors told us to clean up the mess as a class. Then they let us go for the day to air out the room. My navy buddies and I still laugh about it today and we do not have farting contest any more.

Permalink Reply by Joe 56 on July 11, 2008 at 1:50pm

hahahaha...this is always a great story. Me and two buddies are out fishing at Table Rock. We stopped near dusk and just started drinking and BS-ing. I get up to pee and here are these damn geese coming at us for a handout. The one dude is eating Vienna Sausages and he's throwing them to the geese. Well, I guess I'm a grower and not a show-er, 'cause one of them fucking geese hops on the boat deck while I'm peeing. I laugh and start to pee all over the goose, at the same time my buddy turns to look, I crapped a mega blast, with sucjh force it hit him in the face and he immediately turned and puked in the lake...hahahaha....what a sight, me pissing on a goose, farting and him puking all in about a 8 second span.

Permalink Reply by Greg on July 12, 2008 at 12:50pm

So what you are telling us is, you are hung like a mouse! .. hahaha

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